Living With Sad

You put it in the car with you when you are going to the movies. You tell it:  be quiet now, we are going to have fun it is OK for us to have fun please just sit here I will get back to you later.

You sit across from it while you are eating dinner. You tell it: We are eating dinner now I have to eat. It’s OK for me to enjoy things like cheese sauce and chocolate chips. You are going to have to wait. I cannot cry while I swallow food.

Some days it gets to have all of your time and you cry and cry and cry without a care in the world because no one is around or someone you love very much is around and you both share your time with this Sad and then you get to move on for a moment.

And it is moment by moment like this. You aren’t running from it, you aren’t all consumed by it, it is part of you; it is your partner, it is your new soulmate and it is your new annoying friend because it opens a window for you to see the world so much differently than you ever saw it before.

Photo by Jody Fausett – AMAZING ARTIST!!!

collageart/painting by me💛

Recap on #LiveBig

Trying to tie these two blogs/lives/meanings together/and reach out/live thru words/Do Something Meaningful/Reach People Grieving/change the world/make something of this mess.

This is the first blog I wrote after Savannah died. I was writing in journals, in bits and fits and particles of moments in time. This contains the piece I wrote and read at the memorial (show). Along the lines of a song from Dear Evan Hansen (which I finally got to see last week❤️) titled ‘You Will Be Found’ – I had such a strong sense of so many people in the world feeling so alone, and knowing this through feeling it myself, and knowing it through my experiences with Savannah’s trauma with her eating disorder and addictions and her beautiful amazingness which she had such a hard time wrapping her mind around, and seeing how many people filled that room.

Savannah Changed My World

Go be big. The world needs it.

I Got My Shit Together

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When are you going to get your shit together????  Mantra from my parents, my ex, many many after them…always asking me this….me always telling them NEVER!!!  NEVER YOU BASTARDS!!!  WHY DO YOU CARE!!!???  FUCK OFF!!!!

Well today, I will be getting all of my shit together in a UHaul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu2q3UFBgmc – this is what I will be trying to accomplish at zero dark thirty today. I haven’t seen the ex but once at a coffee shop after we broke up.  Daughter was still in hospital.  I was still couch surfing.  He talks to me like a robot now, so it should be quick and painless.  Also, (the control freak in me HATES this), but he packed all my stuff already.  I guess he decided what was mine.  I guess when you leave with a suitcase and leave everything behind, you’ve forfeited a little of your rights in this area.  He COULD have said, no I won’t keep your stuff.  I’m sure its fine, he is not vindictive.  I just don’t like it, but secretly its cool that shit is DONE.  right??   And of COURSE he has packed the whole house as he is ‘leaving the country’…as he can’t find a job in ALL OF AMERICA.  sheesh.  anyway BACK TO ME:

oh, and watch that video…cuz that’s what I’ll be doing today.  Tetrus Loading a lifetime’s worth of crap into a ten foot UHaul.  Well, what’s left of a lifetime that I haven’t dumped, broken, gotten rid of, or burned.  It’s all coming home with me.  I said the ‘H’ word!!

I will no longer be living out of a suitcase y’alls.  In the giant scope of things, its not that big of deal, but in my little world scope of things, its a giant deal.

I WILL HAVE MY STUFF!!  MY BOOKS!! MY CLOTHES!!!  MY MOVIES!!!  MY KIDS’ STUFF!!  MY CRAZY COSTUME STUFF!!  MY HAIR STUFF!!!  Then at 8PM I have my improv show.  Life is good.

I did it.

I moved on.  ME.  With just me.

My shit, my way.

Suck it all y’alls who pooped on me my whole life.

Bite it all y’alls who boo’d me my whole life.

HOORAY all y’alls who always cheered me on even when I didn’t want you to!

HOORAY all y’alls who have always always believed in me.  If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have believed in me.  And that’s the most important person who needs to.

It took me a really long time, but I finally believe.  Yes Virginia, there is life after 46 for people who didn’t save, or marry, or go to college or do any damn right thing you are supposed to do.  Actually I did marry, I had kids, I have worked my butt off.  And I need to quit saying I have nothing to show for it.

I have this amazing son

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and this amazing daughter

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And they aren’t ‘mine’, you don’t ‘own’ your kids, but they are all I have to show for my time here.  They will go on to do amazing things without me. They don’t owe me a damn thing.  But I don’t got no fortunes to leave behind, I don’t got no amazing thing for humanity except for I made two really cool humans.

So onward and upward warriors of life!!!  Carry on!  Carry on with your battle swords, your foam swords, your light sabers, your cardboard swords (good name for a band), or the swords you carry in your heart…life awaits!! DON’T GIVE UP.