You put it in the car with you when you are going to the movies. You tell it: be quiet now, we are going to have fun it is OK for us to have fun please just sit here I will get back to you later.
You sit across from it while you are eating dinner. You tell it: We are eating dinner now I have to eat. It’s OK for me to enjoy things like cheese sauce and chocolate chips. You are going to have to wait. I cannot cry while I swallow food.
Some days it gets to have all of your time and you cry and cry and cry without a care in the world because no one is around or someone you love very much is around and you both share your time with this Sad and then you get to move on for a moment.
And it is moment by moment like this. You aren’t running from it, you aren’t all consumed by it, it is part of you; it is your partner, it is your new soulmate and it is your new annoying friend because it opens a window for you to see the world so much differently than you ever saw it before.
Trying to tie these two blogs/lives/meanings together/and reach out/live thru words/Do Something Meaningful/Reach People Grieving/change the world/make something of this mess.
This is the first blog I wrote after Savannah died. I was writing in journals, in bits and fits and particles of moments in time. This contains the piece I wrote and read at the memorial (show). Along the lines of a song from Dear Evan Hansen (which I finally got to see last week❤️) titled ‘You Will Be Found’ – I had such a strong sense of so many people in the world feeling so alone, and knowing this through feeling it myself, and knowing it through my experiences with Savannah’s trauma with her eating disorder and addictions and her beautiful amazingness which she had such a hard time wrapping her mind around, and seeing how many people filled that room.
Last Night Michael and I went on an actual date thingy. We went and got burgers and a couple of beers. We drove up to Red Rocks,
and had a tailgate beer with some strangers…
and headed in to the show. Thee Oh Sees – WHO CRUSHED IT BTW. Their opening song I swear had an homage to Yello’s Si Senor the Hairy Grill, that screaming was definitely a nod to Deiter and Boris. The Oh Sees are a rocking, punk, California bad ass band with two drummers. I loved them.
And of course we went there to see Portugal. The Man. The band from Alaska via Portland who have a ‘break out hit’ from last year after basically playing together (for the most part) since 2001. I love those stories. They came out and opened with Metallica’s For Whom the Bell Tolls. It was the best opening EVER. And I’ve been to A LOT OF SHOWS y’alls. For reals.
We danced to Unchained Melody, which they played right before the band came out. Also, please read this inspiring story about Eric Howk, their guitarist. It was just so great to see this band and what they are about and who they are and how much fun they had. John Gourley’s wife, Zoe Manville performs vocals, they are beautiful and the whole show was awesome. I don’t write for a music mag anymore so I can use the word awesome as many times as I want.
Before Portugal came out though, they wanted to honor the natives of the land we were on and brought out a Lakota Tribesman and his two daughters. They run an organization that builds skateparks on reservations called Stronghold Society. One of the daughters also has a music program she teaches and is senior at CU. Stronghold’s calling is amazing, please click on their site and read it. They honored women and said female energies are on the rise on this planet and to honor the feminine and I was IN THE MOMENT of that. I knew I should have written their names down…but I was PRESENT. I loved it that where we were standing was not ignored.
So there were lots of young people there, a few (dummies) brought their little kids, and a few gray hairs rocked it out. I fucking love Red Rocks and just loved being there in general and loved seeing it PACKED full of people. It’s my church anyway so it was great to see it fully attended. I don’t know if it is because I don’t leave the house much, or because of deep sadness and grief that I appreciate life more, but it truly was a spectacular evening.
I don’t know if its mostly this too: #livebig (read blog post here) This is a piece I wrote and also read at Savannah’s funeral. It’s how I want to live my life now and it’s about adopting a lifestyle that does not waste any more moments or insights nor let you lose sight of intuitions. Living BIG is about really SEEING things, being present with people and situations. Being human and acknowledging humans.
When I was in Utah to view Savannah’s body and retrieve her things; be at the funeral home with her dad, his wife and my friend, I took Savannah’s ashes to Temple Square, her favorite place. She was obsessed with the musical The Book of Mormon and she brought us to Temple Square when Anthony and I visited her last November. So to take MY time and be with her in this way, and (illegally) spread her ashes all over that place was truly special and something I will never forget. (SHE LOVED IT) I knew when we got back, the funeral would be for Sal and his wife and this time WAS MINE. This was my personal goodbye.
On the way to Temple Square that day, the uber driver opened up to me and my friend about his life in Africa before he came to America. That is another story for another day —- but what he did was embody the whole LiveBig theme that was growing inside of me. Savannah wanted such a big life. I was overwhelmed with feeling like I can’t let that go to waste. So when this man opened up and shared with us his loss and grief and horrors of how he lived in Africa, that when we got to our destination, I asked him if I could hug him. It is just one of those things that pops into your head and then we normally shrug it off because it would be ‘weird’ or ‘not normal’. THAT is what I am changing. Going against that thing that wants you to live small, and to LIVE BIG instead. Ask the question, hug the person, say the thing, buy the flowers.
I asked him ANYWAY…he almost burst into tears during our hug. It was very profound and eye opening and we actually had to sit a minute to just absorb what just took place before we could do our profound thing we came there for.
So I explained all of that because last night was part this whole LIVEBIG thing Savannah has inspired in me.
We got great seats. The people never showed up! We screwed up finding seats in General Admission and I said let’s just sit here and move later if we have to. I just knew we wouldn’t have to move. Besides I asked Savannah and she said those people who’s seats we were in, were not coming a WEEK AGO, so sit! I told Michael to keep saying
And it worked.
We took pictures when we got there and when we left and other than that we weren’t on our phones. We danced to Unchained Melody. I danced my butt off and jumped and sang and screamed and cheered. It’s MY life and in my little life I get to celebrate whatever the fuck I want. We lived big. It was fun. We ran into a friend! 9000 people there and he came up to us on the stairs.
It was a glorious night. I don’t care if it might seem simple to others, but the music was SO FUCKING COOL, the night was amazing, I was in my favorite place with my favorite person and I soaked up every second of it.
Today I go to work. I feel directionless and zombie like. I am trying to define myself in so many ways and use that to just get me out of bed. I did my morning meditations and sat down to write this.
Its so hard to be something and try and live up to my full potential in life when something so heavy is in my heart. I give it its time and place and then I try and be in my new life. I will do this til the day I die I suppose.
Today is today. I’m going to revel in my space here. Listen to some Oh Sees and Portugal and Yello and my new obsession QUEEN as well.