Living With Sad

You put it in the car with you when you are going to the movies. You tell it:  be quiet now, we are going to have fun it is OK for us to have fun please just sit here I will get back to you later.

You sit across from it while you are eating dinner. You tell it: We are eating dinner now I have to eat. It’s OK for me to enjoy things like cheese sauce and chocolate chips. You are going to have to wait. I cannot cry while I swallow food.

Some days it gets to have all of your time and you cry and cry and cry without a care in the world because no one is around or someone you love very much is around and you both share your time with this Sad and then you get to move on for a moment.

And it is moment by moment like this. You aren’t running from it, you aren’t all consumed by it, it is part of you; it is your partner, it is your new soulmate and it is your new annoying friend because it opens a window for you to see the world so much differently than you ever saw it before.

Photo by Jody Fausett – AMAZING ARTIST!!!

collageart/painting by me💛

I Care

After spending the last several years moving SEVERAL times IN a year…I have settled. It may not be paradise but it’s home. I have not bought a decorative item in YEARS. Mostly because I have lost my umph to give two shits about the places I’ve lived. With old boyfriend, it was all about him being an ARTIST and NONE of my things ‘went with the flow’ of HIS THINGS. I was invisible there…so there’s 2 years. Living w parents=also NOT MY HOUSE. Desperately living in other shitty apartments with shitty men = depression. So my life has changed 100%. It is wonderful.
The joy of purchasing NEW ITEMS NOT PREVIOUSLY USED OR FOUND IN AN ALLEY is an amazing thing.

We have painted, decorated organized and ‘flipped’ this little basement apartment into something we love. I planted a garden which we are eating from, my daughter is home and the three of us have worked side by side to make our environment a ‘home’.

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And P.S. – Do It Yourself projects with girls=ROCK…we paint over bugs, rust, holes

I have done a reading for a play that I was asked to do! I was asked to be in Night of the Living Dead this October, and a theater I performed in last year, needed someone to jump in as an actress quit! I learned parts for Macbeth, Titus and King Lear in two days!! I wanted to barf on the first night, but we are in our second weekend and have one more to go. Karma has been good to me. I get to do Shakespeare!! So it pays off to challenge yourself and go into your non comfort zone. I know nothing about Shakespeare, and have been in two Shakespeare productions because I said yes because I wanted to learn. Its been scary and I love it!!

I literally sat in the car with my friend before my first show and the director called to see if I was coming and I said I’d been in the car for a half hour trying not to barf and the director said “Well come in! Let’s go” and I did.

The show is called ‘Shakespeare to the Death‘ and it is several vignettes of the several death scenes. We get to have fun with them and I get to spit out food as Tamera in Titus in our campy depiction of the final scene. It’s so fun!

Life is good and making the decision to dig in my heels and NOT MOVE has changed my life. It opened up the universe. It got me to quit living in a constant ‘need’ mode. I even asked my ex husband if he’d rent his house to me even though it made my stomach hurt and made me cry and feel sick at the thought. I thought my friend here was challenging the landlord and being evicted. (long story about a plumbing issue) I felt I was in the same spiral I have been in for the last 20 years. Then my friend, who moved here from Texas, and I decided WE DON’T WANT TO MOVE. So we changed our world and made that NOT an option. As soon as we put the energy into STAYING, everything changed. Issues resolved themselves, we painted and bought a tv and cute rugs and shit at IKEA and just kept going forward with this energy on the trajectory that we are NOT MOVING. We won. I deserve to settle, I deserve to care about my environment and where I live and where I love and where I care to be and spend my days. This year has rocked my world. We are re-doing every room…I’ll post more pics!!

I’m telling you I haven’t bought pots and pans, vases, silverware…all the basic needs…in YEARS! I feel like I just started my life.

New Year, Same Old You

Ha ha!! I just get tired of ‘NEW YEAR NEW YOU’ on every magazine, poster, and ad. Like we are all supposed to re-vamp our entire lives. I have resolutions every day ya’lls. I like the new year though. It feels like NEWNESS. Like I want to participate in being new. Especially after LAST YEAR. Holy Cripes.

So our cleaning biz is going good and we are very busy.  We are actually making money and we are registering a business name and opening a bank account and shit!! yay!! I still want to figure out a way to not work so friggin’ hard.  So I thought I’d lose 45 pounds. I figure that if I am in better shape I can do this kind of work longer. Really though, when all is said and done, we work about 20 hours a week and make pretty good money. We had a couple house sitting/cat sitting/dog sitting jobs over the holiday and that rocked!!  But when I am on my knees so much and lifting stuff (and breaking people’s dishes and knick knacks)it gets rough and it is as these times that I wish I had gone to college.

I made this.
I made this.

I am also crocheting tiny hats for any one who would like to order one.  They are for any tiny items in your home that might need hats.

Pot is legal here now.

My brother is having a baby.  (Well, his wife is.)

I recently spent 6 hours in Ikea.

I have not drank alcohol for one day and I want a drink.

I’m not having a drink.

I posted a video of myself jumping in a freezing cold river on New Year’s Day on facebook and I’m super fat and I don’t care.  LOOK AT THOSE THUNDER THIGHS EVERYONE.  I love not posting only perfect pics.

So my laptop broke, I only have our desktop and my Samsung camera which has tablet capabilities…and I will be posting much, much more as I miss it so much and need to write.

I want to write a friggin’ novel already.  Sheesh.

This is more a list of ITEMS that really pertain to NOTHING.  They are not resolutions.

My son is moving to Wisconsin in March.

My daughter is probably moving back home.

I need to take my Grandma to Vegas.

That is all for today.

I will see you all soon and happy fricken new year lovelies!!!