Yesterday I went out into the world and did a thingy. I went to NARF for a speaking event and listened to speakers tell us all of the court cases and projects the native communities are doing for Native Americans all over the country including Hawaii and Alaska. Boulder actually has a history of doing pretty cruel and awful things to the native Americans that were here. They do recognize indigenous peoples day and no longer celebrate Columbus Day…which even as a kid I thought was pretty stupid. I have always admired how Boulder has been honest in their plaques at least:

The Indian Child Welfare Association said native children are still being removed from their families and even though only 2% of kids in North Dakota are Native American they are 15% of the foster care population.

If any reparations are made regarding land and money is actually awarded, the government keeps it in a ‘trust’ and then completely mismanages it and no Native Americans ever see it.

There was a photography exhibit at the Museum of Boulder – and all over Boulder-put on by some high school kids and that was awesome. Indigenize Your Eyes. Very powerful.

America has been horrible for Centuries. Native Americans just want to be heard. We can all relate to that. But on NPR today I listened to ‘Witness‘ which reports on things that happened in recent history. And today’s broadcast was about Sweden regarding ‘travelers’ (Romany speaking people) and how the newspaper published disparaging and very racist things about this group of people in the town. Followed by men going and beating up and hurting old people, children and families that lived in that town that were part of that group. So, racism is a worldwide horrendous patriarchal piece of shit that is everywhere INCLUDING SWEDEN.

Today I am down and want to be dead. I said to myself I would write in here every day so here’s today’s entry. As soon as I was done immersing myself in something else besides my own life yesterday, I came home and completely crashed and burned and cried my guts out till I fell asleep. Waking up disappointed yet again that I have to do this another fucking day.

I didn’t do enough for Savannah. I should’ve flown out to Texas and flown out to Utah and flown out to New York (actually I went to New York five years ago after she just moved there I went to Utah in November and she was only in Texas a few months and I never got out there but it was Texas) : ) and I never had any money for that. And fuck everyone who pushed me out of the loop because I don’t have money. Fuck you. I stayed up reading old messages between Savannah and I and feel I never said the right thing but I hate this so much. And now I feel like I’m not doing enough for Anthony either.

Being a mom is a constant losing battle.

Fuck money and jobs and everything we are told we are supposed to have because that’s all I’ve done is try and find jobs so I can have things I want or want my kids to have. I never caught up. I quit jobs and got new ones because it was three more dollars an hour. At the time Savannah was looking for rehab- AFTER SHE OD’d AND WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY NARCAN- I was working at that horrendous chiropractor’s office in Cherry Creek. It now feels like I made that more important than my daughter and I hate everyone and everything.

She was upset that her dad was more worried about her phone and that her stupid abusive ex-boyfriend’s mom was helping her. In my mind I thought I was letting her be an adult and choose this rehab and now I just feel like a failure. She was a kid she was struggling surrounded by fucking manipulative crazy people. I was trying to respect her and not do what I wanted which was to tell all these fucks to go to hell. I didn’t know what to do. I stood by her I encouraged her she could be honest and open with me we were warrior women together. But I felt completely lost.

I was trying to do comedy at this time with a bunch of assholes who did nothing but talk me down, berate me and make me feel like a piece of shit. So I told all of them go to hell. I was trying to ‘carry on’. I failed miserably. Now I’m supposed to care? Make MY life? I don’t care. Carry on. Fuck you.

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